Don’t Let Cancer Steal Your Dreams
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I’ve Always Known I Was Adopted
I grew up knowing I was adopted. I don’t remember ever being told, I just always knew. I remember the concept being cemented because of the concept of “I was chosen.” My mom and dad picked me, almost like selecting a prime cut of meat. Unlike being born to parents, where you get what you get. They played up the idea that naturally having a baby wasn’t as special as parents selecting their child. Being adopted didn’t seem like a bad thing most of the time. I didn’t think about it much, it was just a fact of my life. As a child I didn’t think about the absence of blood relatives or someone looking like me. Where I found that it did bother me was when I noticed through other people’s eyes how old my mom and dad were compared to others’ parents, my friends parents. When a friend asked me one day in the third grade if my mom was my grandmother, from then on I was very self-conscious of the age of my mom and dad and it started to embarrass me more each year.
Even though being adopted wasn’t a bad thing, most adoptees wonder about their biological families. Do I have sisters or brothers? Do I look like anyone? My parents don’t understand me, I bet my real parents would. We’ve all gone through these thoughts, and many more. But what about actually looking for your real parents, scary. I have done just that and have found a crazy story I can tell about what happened. I know the reasons why I was put up for adoption, I have met many siblings and my birthmom. This is the story I am telling in my next book, “Timing is Everything.” Look for it in 2022 on Amazon.
Self Esteem
Decide to be Happy
People I know don’t choose to be unhappy, or do they? I believe we all choose what we think about and what we think about affects our happiness.
When I feel like I have been wronged, my mind works really hard to find ammunition to justify my resentment, my anger, my feelings of being wronged. If I concentrate on that I will find many items that will continue to feed these feelings. If this is someone I love, I can kill those feeling if all I concentrate on is negative.
We sometimes forget why we fell in love to begin with. When it comes to our intimate relationships, our feelings of disrespect and disapproval comes out even in body language and that sometimes scream louder than the words. Of course sometimes the words don’t come out at all, leaving only the non verbals are to be interpreted and left to other people’s interpretations, the meaning maybe flawed.
So having a conversation to get the feeling out is important. If you hold on to the resentment, it will taint how you feel about this person. If you find yourself holding on to something in the past, it may take some time to work through those feelings.
- List all the good things about this person
- Remind yourself why you became their friend or started a relationship
- Continue to think about the good things and you will find the negative feeling dissipate
- When the negative feelings come back, if there’s enough positive, replace those with the positive.
Make sure there is enough positive to replace the negative. If there are, you can move past these feelings and find time with this person happy again. But if you don’t find enough positive, perhaps this person doesn’t belong in your life.
Get Your Affairs in Order
February 7, 2020
None of us every want to hear the words “Get your affairs in order,” especially when it comes from your doctor.
I have the privilege to provide emotional support to women diagnosed with cancer around the country. Many of these women are diagnosed early, and after treatment return to their lives. Their lives may have taken a detour but these ladies usually find their way back to their path.
Unfortunately some are given the kind of news none of us want to hear. These women are told by their doctors that the cancer has progressed and will eventually take their life. It’s challenging to image anything harder than that.
Because I’ve established a safe environment where all conversations are possible, death and dying is one of the topics we discuss. Sometimes the tough conversation around “Getting your affairs in order” is examined. Even though it’s difficult, it shouldn’t be. The funny thing is, we’re all going to die sometime, and none of us get out of this life alive. We all should get our affairs in order. That’s why my husband and I created an easy way to accomplish this huge task with the least amount of stress. Simple Estate Organizer is available so whether it’s for you or a loved one, all of the important information is stored in one place.
Healthcare Shouldn’t Be a Luxury
February 9, 2020
I was one of the fortunate ones when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I worked for a large corporation with great health insurance. Since I had worked there for over 20 years when I got the news I had short term and long term insurance that kicked in for me but this story is in the minority for sure.
Today the cost of good insurance is almost prohibitive as many companies don’t pay for their employees’ insurance needs. There may be cost sharing options, but even a shared cost can be more than some can afford. In a world where a phone and cable TV are costly and a priority, healthcare for a healthy young population seems like a waste of money until the shoe drops with a unexpected diagnosis.
Healthcare isn’t a luxury, it’s a necessity. It can mean the difference between of life and death. I remember back in 1993 having a conversation with my doctor. I had picked up my chemo pills that I took every day on top of the bi-monthly infusions. They were $250 for 30 pills. I asked, “What do people do if they don’t have insurance?” My doctor looked deep into my eyes and said, “They die.”
That is not acceptable, then or now. But for many, it is their reality. Women put off their annual mammograms, their pap smears, and they even ignore the signs of a potentially scary disease when insurance isn’t in place. No one wants cancer, but I have found it happens in the least convenient times. It has been my experience that breast cancer is fed by stress.
Many of the women I have had the opportunity to connect with in the last 20 years have faced multiple life stresses before their breast cancer diagnosis. Two and three huge life altering events that seems to break down our immune system and get a toe hold in our stressed bodies. More research needs to be done on this matter, but think about your journey, what happened 2-5 years before your diagnosis? I’d love to hear about it.
How Are You?
February 11, 2020
When going through cancer treatment, most people will ask the cursory greeting; How are You? But do they really want to know? Unfortunately, they are just looking for the conventional, Fine, how are you? type response. If you are a friend or relative of a person who is going through cancer, if you ask this question, expect the standard answer. But if you are genuinely interested in what’s going on in their lives, it’s important to ask further questions
As I made my follow up calls to the ladies I was supporting through Breast Friends, I’d ask the standard question, but then when I got the repetitive answer, I would follow it with a statement like, But how are you really? and then listen for the heartfelt response. Again, I wanted the truthful real answer, not just one that would make me more comfortable with their cancer diagnosis and treatment. The sugar coated “I’m Fine” didn’t work for me because I understood the desire to be fine. I would wait for the answer as long as it took and many times it got choked off with tears. I would reassure them its ok to show emotions and I did want to know how they were for real.
I used to say to people in a humorous way, “I make a lot of people cry so it’s ok to feel the emotions. I felt honored that they were willing to bring down their emotional walls to feel what was going on inside them. I reminded that I was that safe place where if they wanted to cry, or yell or whatever, I was there for them in whatever capacity they needed. I asked the hard questions and was willing to listen to the truthful answers. It’s not always easy to hear the truth. Cancer is hard, the treatment is difficult at best and the aftermath is messy. Family values are challenged. Relationships are strained.
Then you have the close family members, partners and children that feel like all the attention is on the cancer patient and they are trying so hard to be strong, but they are also dealing with their own fear. They are taking on more responsibilities, sometimes without being considered. It can all be very stressful and confusing. Remember to ask them how they are doing as well as the patient. Only ask them the tough questions when you are open to hear the truth. Nothings worse than opening up and have the answer brushed away. But whether you are the patient or the support person think about these things and start conversations so you are on the same page with the other party.
1. What is really important right now?
2. What can I stop doing so I can take on different tasks or fewer tasks?
3. How can we meet both of our needs during this time?
Its enlightening when you ask these type of revealing questions how we can get down to the important issues rather than the petty gripes people spend their time worrying over.
Cancer can be a gift. It can allow us to understand in our busy lives, what matters. We can take the time to realize what we cherish, and how to protect those things. We can then let go of the stuff that is meaningless and spend what time we have on the people and things that bring us joy.
No One is the Same
February 13, 2020
Even though thousands of women are diagnosed every year, no one deals with the news the same as another. There are similarities, but just because you dealt with your diagnosis one way doesn’t mean your sister, your friend, or your co-worker will deal with it the same as you.
The initial reaction to getting a diagnosis is varied, I remember I just sat there in shock. Even though I found my own lump and brought it to the attention of my doctor, it was still a stock. I love the question from my doctor, “Do you have any questions?” Really? I had so many questions but I couldn’t get any of them formulated at that moment. My brain had shut down, I was numb and my mouth and my brain felt disconnected.
Others burst out crying at the mention of cancer and other reactions stem all along the spectrum. Your family will also react in different ways, some helpful, others not so much. The victim in the family will act as if you are doing this to them. Others will be over emotional, some stoic. The thing to remember it isn’t your job to make everyone else feel better about your cancer. I think as women it’s what we do, but honestly, it’s not your responsibility.
If people are too much for you to handle, allow someone else in your life to buffer those people and their emotions. You have enough of your own emotions to deal with without feeling the emotions of others. Suggest your contact be like it used to be, if you are friends that go to lunch, talk about the latest movies, do that. You haven’t changed, it’s still you, and you still like most of things you used to like. Cancer is a disease, it’s not contagious and it shouldn’t affect your relationships. But it does, so have the conversations necessary to come to an understanding of what that looks like.
Don’t make assumptions that you or your peeps will react the same as others. Understand that it will be necessary to process emotions and the grief that goes with that. Time does heal, give yourself time and the space to process what your cancer experience effects and what that means to you, your family and your friends. Be open to talking about what’s going on with you both physically and emotionally. It’s ok to choose someone outside of your main circle who isn’t as emotionally vested. Practice on them then work toward having the similar conversations with those closer.
Ripples of Change
February 15, 2020
After a breast cancer battle, our body takes a long while to heal. But until a person has gone through this journey, they don’t understand, it is actually time to heal from all the emotional trauma this experience has triggered. Most of us don’t have the bandwidth to fight the physical battle and the emotional one at the same time. It can takes months to years to process all the loss and the fear that one feels at diagnosis, through treatment and beyond. Once that process has started, many of us make decisions to change aspects of our lives we want to improve.
When we look at the factors that increase risk of breast cancer or those that increase the risk of recurrence, the first two are: 1. Being a Women and 2. Getting Older. Obviously, we don’t have control of these two factors. But several of the other factors, obesity, drinking alcohol, smoking, if reduced we may contribute to our personal risk.
Let’s look at obesity, it is a factor we have some impact upon. Especially estrogen positive cancers feed upon this hormone. When we have extra weight around our middle, our estrogen can be stored in our fat cells and even more concerning, estrogen can be manufactured in our belly fat. So if this is your situation perhaps the first proactive action is to look at diet and exercise. Like many changes we are passionate about, we can go to the other end of the spectrum. We throw out all the junk food, we get rid of processed foods, and some swear never to eat meat again. These may all be changes necessary to live a healthier life, to create an environment where it’s more difficult for a cancer to grow and a decision we all would benefit from, however, it can also create ripples of dissension for family and friends. Our changes don’t only effect ourselves, they can affect our partners and our families in major ways. You have gone through a life threatening ordeal, so have they but not in the same way and they may not be ready for the changes you are thrusting upon them.
For instance, all the sweets and sodas are out of the house, the kids rebel. Perhaps a plant based diet is the fix. Not everyone understands how to be a healthy vegetarian. Some people eliminate meat from their diet without the proper education and menus to add enough protein without meat sources. There is a steep learning curve, but while that is happening, the ripple continues. How about that Thanksgiving dinner, all the family are there and now you are in a position to explain your decisions and choices not to eat moms’ traditional dishes. Some get defensive when put on the spot to justify decisions and it can be uncomfortable for everyone. Maybe your friends or family feel guilty for not supporting you in your health decisions. Whatever your circumstances, remember:
1. You don’t have to justify your decisions
2. This is your life to live and no one else gets a vote on how you do it.
3. Understand your decisions do affect others, so be patient with them as well.
The Waiting Game
February 17, 2020
The hardest time for myself and many of the ladies I’ve helped through the years is between realizing you have a lump, and you getting the plan. I found my own lump and I remember poking at it for a couple days, till I was able to go to the doctor and have him check it. I recall him saying to me it’s probably nothing but we should get it out of there just in case. As I gazed into his eyes as he spoke those words, the message his eyes screamed out were quite different. I knew I was in big trouble. A week later the lump was removed. Sure enough, the lump was cancer and he didn’t get clean margins. Another week later I had the mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Because I was young and the cancer was deemed very aggressive as soon as the mastectomy healed I started chemotherapy.
So for me from the time I found the lump, the doctor pronounced that I had cancer, through doing a liver scan to make sure it wasn’t in my liver, through the mastectomy when I was told it wasn’t in my lymph nodes to actually chemo, the wait is excruciating. Each step seems to take forever, and instead of feeling like you got your questions answered, you were left with even more questions. I’m sure its partly because the learning curve is quite steep when you first are thrown into Cancerland. People tell you horror stories thinking they are helping and all it does to keep you awake at night. I’m sure they are trying to help, but take it from me, it doesn’t.
But when the doctor finally gives you the plan, after the initial shock that your worst nightmare is happening, you settle into a routine of all the doctor appointments, treatments like chemo or radiation and you get used to the rhythm of how the weeks come and go. At some point, you actually come to a place where you are comfortable with the schedule and then it’s done. Wow, the 4-6 months that seemed at first would never end is drawing to a close and then it’s over. Now what?